Installation

Wellness is a loch ness monster…

like nessy except the wellness monster i much bigger, and is purple.. It is considered to be 89 feet tall and have the texture of dolphin skin, and we all know what dolphins feel like. When we feel a dolphin we know what it means to be well, and this is for your consideration in this present moment. Right here, right now, the best show in town. Tap, tap, tap. 

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My name is toilet and although some people would feel like this is a name to be ashamed of, i am very proud of it. I am proud of the name that to me says being humble, to me sassy moments of silent reflection, that to me says detox. When we encounter a toilet, it is there to meet our requirement, and in those lucky moments, it is not. I like the community of toilets that are surly and so not meet the requirements of the user, because fuck being guaranteed to always do and learn what others expect of you. This toilet here as the lifelong companion of toilet paper. When i look at my toilet paper i know what true friendship is, and as well i appreciate the beauty.  

When my user cleans me i consider what it is to be loved back, and how my form, as a toilet, gives them the opportunity for this good merit of cleaning me. When they do this they they they they they they they they they they love me. I feel so lucky to be loved and have no further ambitions in life, to be a member of a household and the community of people that walk on through it is all i could ever ask for. I participate in the running of things, i am clean and of pure complexion, my form is that of a beautiful broken snake or a tuba or an intestine. You can recognise me from a mile off.  

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Why  

Because i like the shock factor  

because it feels good to exercise,  

because white feels cleansing  

Because i scrubbed so many toilets when i lived in the forest monastery that it became my favourite part of the day  

Because a clean toilet shows respect  

Because the things that go unnoticed can have the most serendipitous presence  

Because it’s important to look at the things that aren’t looked at  

Because i want to stand out  

Because i want to one up people  

Because i like the aesthetic form 

Because i gave myself hemorrhoids from hanging out in the toilet too much 

Because the outside world scares me  

Because i like the isolation  

Because it’s a retreat  

Because when you clean something it’s an outside practice reflecting the inside practice of cleaning up your mind 

Because my mind is a mess 

Because my mind is more of a mess than people likely think 

Because I’m humbled by those with settled minds 

Because i’m not disciplined but would like to be  

Because these things are things.  

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The surface  

The surface of you is what is outside facing, the face of your amalgamation of things that go on inside this sealed bag of skin we call a body. When you investigate and interrogate the skin you see that all of your creation of a self is tied up with a skin, all of the things that plug into the skin make up what people see of you- the teeth are planted in the skin of the mouth like tombstones, the hair is rooted through the pores of the skin like grass, the nails grow out of the skin like a fungus on a tree. The skin the skin the skin. It’s all tied up with the skin.  

When things were quite wrong in the earlier life of this toilet the skin is what i would spend many hours perfecting so that none of this could be seen. Hours spent shaving the body, moisturising, applying makeup to shape the face and colouring and styling the hair. If 6 vans or less would beep at me on the street outside my house as i walked this 20m stretch to the bus stop- i would feel it was an ugly day. The skin, the skin, the skin, it all comes back to the skin that makes up your sense of self. When i got second degree burns on my whole body and all my skin came off in swatches as big as planks of wood, i saw what my vanity really adds up to, wrinkly maggot breath. Not so beautiful. Not so much to be admired. Without having to care about the appearance of my skin then i feel free, i feel humble and without a self defined necessarily, more naked, my intentions easier to see, but also more authentic. Naked and authentic.  

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By dressing up, by eating, by sleeping, by fucking, by fucking some more and more and escaping and returning to the same point like that alice in wonderland lady when she would start at the beginning and get to the end stop and look to see she hasn’t moved at all. Repetition, this is what it’s like, wake up to not a similar day every day, but exactly the same day, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and under and AGAIN. 

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‘I look handsome, I look smart 

I am walking work of art 

Such a dazzling coat of colours 

How I love my coat of many colours  

It was red and yellow and green and brown 

And scarlet and black and ochre and peach 

And ruby and olive and violet and fawn 

And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve 

And cream and crimson and silver and rose 

And azure and lemon and russet and grey 

And purple and white and pink and orange 

And red and yellow and green and brown and 

Scarlet and black and ochre and peach 

And ruby and olive and violet and fawn 

And lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve 

And cream and crimson and silver and rose 

And azure and lemon and russet and grey 

And purple and white and pink and orange 

And blue’ BUT ALL I WANTED WAS A WHITE ONE.  

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To be to be to be to be being.Page Break 

Do not want do not know,  

knowledge is learned and  

Wisdom is embodied 

Learn how to clean 

Be clean  

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Oh Thoreau , WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO ME NOW? 

‘If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.’ 

‘Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.’ 

‘Our life is frittered away by detail... simplify, simplify.’ 

‘Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.’ 

‘The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.’ 

‘I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived’ 

MONKEY MINDPage Break 

‘To know [with wisdom] that all phenomena originate in the heart-mind, this is the true path of practice’ Ajahn MunPage Break 

Regrets and no regrets, not even one letter. To have been what I wanted to be to have tasted the vapour of whatever thing sounds the most similar to a feeling and feeling and you what mate? You fucking what mate?  

Waiting on and over and through and beyond and slantways. I was told that waitin is not a mediation, and it’s not. Every moment should be a meditation, you practice this until you train the mind to do it automatically. Automatically aware and present without any automatic movements 

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Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know. Breath in; know. Breathe out; know.Page Break 

Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting Sitting SittingPage Break 

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Snow:  

Snow snow snow snow your pen can't leave the Dining Room even though that is where it is nice to eat and play and laugh, but not twice in a row. I never asit in my dining room anymore and my new flat is open plan.   

Open plan hands and hands off this sugar-free sugar baby cakes, Sam and Jack, and everyone I've ever shagged I just tried to write a list of but couldn't because the ist is too expansive and is this because I think I have superior or what is happening 

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Here and Now   

Write immediately and why won't you listen to me your surly greek and it's awkward that I'm freewriting about how I feel, what happens if I express a micro-aggression and aggression is aggression is a session, or the sesh, let's have aggression sesh's in our piece, how lovely and cathartic and catheters in your eyeballs would get you a first if you could piss out of thej. But tracey says don't piss in the pinter, or throw fish, but fish make me happy not eating them I'M VEGAN fish make me feel like the world hAS order that is followed, and also make me think of the mystery of things that exist that I will never know the full extent of. If I had a cock I would give Nenad the full extent of it and I wish that I did because I think it would be really quite interesting to fuck someone from the man's perspective, but what is gender anyw? I'm not sure that I know and why must we have genitals, and why won't fredddie just fducking write, the exercise is to write constantly not look like a pensive statue and this is how things are.  

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What I would've done differently today   

Is be nicer and more open and open my legs and dance more and g to the gym and laugh and hgug everyone and listen with an even more open and more radiant heart and have listened at all in the moments when I was shooting someone else down, and include people that are excluded and tried harder and been more beautiful and had bigger and small and perkier tits and wore make-up and gotten a haircut and talked to my grandma differently and been a bee flying free.  

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Research question to research through practice to practice with research and with being a better human and I bit my tongue and I want t research pain but I feel that is a neat academic discipline already explored and I don't know what new I can add to that field, unless I explore something more personal, but I don't know how I would feel letting people inflict pain on me who I don't know know what they're doing, the vulnerability of that is quite extreme and ot be vulnerable is something to research but is it what my time is best spent researching and will this devising process answer that research question. No. no it won't no no no and this stresses me because I think that I should be more together and that I should have a  better research question that’s more academic and more personal but I don't know what different lenses I can add to myself I am in rather a liminal space right now and liminal is liminal is liminal. I'd like to research liminality maybe, always being on the cusp of creating something, of saying something bespoke and from the heart but I am not sure 

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DO WE HAVE THE COURAGE TO BE HAPPY?Page Break 

practice 
noun routine, usual procedure 
form 
habit 
method 
proceeding 
process 
rule 
system 
tradition 
use 
convention 
custom 
fashion 
habitude 
manner 
mode 
praxis 
trick 
usage 
usefulness 
utility 
way 
wont 
Convenance 

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Antonyms for self 
Other 

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persona 
noun. identity or character 
anima 
character 
ego 
figure 
guise 
id 
identity 
image 
mind 
person 
personage 
personality 
role 
self 
soul 

But to the tree, this is all just the chirping of the birds.