I need to start a blog to remember these thoughts:

My philosophical thinkings
My everyday life and fun
My reading and seeing of plays
What I'm learning about,k in school or out

All of my funny opinions

Ideas for future posts:

Celebrity as modern day Gods?

Exemplify the lifestyle we are being told we want to perceive

How the rise in pleasure seeking has stopped the evolution of humanity
The amount of thoughts in the world means there are no original ideas left

The internet, if you think of anything, no matter how random, there seems to already be an established community on it eg balloon fetsh??
Art: Bosch's garden with these scupture type things that look exactly as post modern sculture looks now... Yet 650 years ago

Exactly what does being 'high' mean and all the ways you can achieve the same result

Energy as God
Are wars a device to integrate the world to create one central government?

Illuminati new world order
Globalisation
The patriotic defending of a nation is a way to indoctrinate you into their choices

Is music the language we should communicate with?
Why there is a reason for everything, but on a much bigger scale aND NOT NECCESSARILY FOR YOUR LIFE
Why do we ask why?
There is no self, trust me it'll make your lack of self feel better to understand this

A corporation eg St Pauls, is not every part of its structure, it is not the people who use the service it is an abstract

We as people are the same
What is a thought in terms of science?
The idea of labelling somethind ag as damaging to that thing, eg Mental illness or play reviews
Arts as methods to isolate certain themes of this ultimate existentlist idea of understanding our world
How abstract art is synonymous with a thought, somethign existing outisde of reality

What a brain is is sort of fluid, interesting hbwo electrcity can move in a certain way in fluids...across different boudaries. How absolutely increadible that th euniverse engineered some goop that i our brains
That the fact that Jason has had other ideas, that there are schools of thought on religion and art shows that people have the same thoughts and can reach the same understandings completely isolated from eachother

How this unifies us
How this is a practical example for how the internet has encouraged certain supressed (think surrealism) thoughts/opinions/desires to be expressed as there is a community who accepts it

That last sub-idea applies to the idea of humans as sociaL STRUCTURES, THAT LIVE IN COMPATIBLE OR NON-CAPITABLE WAYS AND IN THAT WAY ARE WE an interesting species (amoung others) that have a conscious ability to control the subconscious/innate.

Idea for a thesis: to what extent is it limitative to name artistic movements?

FLW reacting against the idea of Modernism
"if he can't see at least 10 years ahead, he's not an architect"

14.11.14

So, i just had an interesting chat with my mother, and- like an RS teacher at my school who appraches the ideas of something through chatting with her father and recording what they say to eachother as a base point of understanding to analyse and explore further- i brought together a few interesting ideas which i am going to mishmash here.

What i want this 'blog' to be:

A way to record all of my thinkings, thing i come across, meaningful experiences and ideas for the future

A way to understand the fundamental principles/rules/energy flows that are universly true and so in themselves create meaning/articulation in our world

A forum to pose questions and open myself to others' ideas

To that end, a way openly pose questions and suggest the beginnings of the ideas and logic structures i apply to them but to never feel as though things are fully formed

To accept and always conclude that these a ideas that exist in a moment in a human brain, which is a computer that only has a certain processing power and that the unfathomably complex and infinte capacity of the computer that is the universe will be processing and creating things in way that can simply never be fully capitible with my system

To apply metaphors or ways of visualising ideas, as [insert discussion of how fundamental laws mean that the same processes are manifested in many different ways and all symbolise the fundamental fundamentally the same] they act as 'spirit guides' to higher understanding and therefore elevated existence

But to that end, and others', always evaluate and stay rooted in reality. For example if discussing how the same energy flows effect the life i live and eliminate any true control over what i can be/accomplish/whatever, remain firm that i still choose to be better, be different, challenge expectations and always hold out hope in otherwise definably dire situations.

To be open to different modes of expression , in the sense of how i present this entire document or the forms by which explore different ideas of it

For instance present the document like DADA poetry- free-form, entries scrolling around, and no discerable order!

To make this conversational, so the reader can see that these are ideas in conversation that i wouyld have with you, much like Plato talking to Aristotle or whoever- essential so the reader feels this applies to them and not only to me

To finish this ducking thing before I leave St Paul's

OK finally enough of that philosophising on what i want this to be, I wanted to discuss the explorer that came into to talk today, Jason Lewis, who travelled the width of the earth. I took some notes, elegantly on my hand if you want to know, they are as follows:

"adjusting is hard

We are all the same

Sanity is subjective

Momentum helps

It is dangerous to consume media

Nomad vs group

Challenge, no safety

Selfless purpose

Just begin"

If you name me you negate me- quote

MAKE MY MANIFESTO A GAME....what i mean is i'll publish it like a book and each pag you go on, depending on what you answer you get told to go to a whole different place (page numbers). Like that book i had as a child a different essay. Add in video recordings of me discussing things, or youtuibe clips, add in paintings and films to watch

If i publish it online then give people a username and they can earn points for each essay they read, and make it possible for them to leave replies.

In this way the websites structure will be encouraging the aim of the title. If i call the piece "Musings..." then the structure will encourage people to create a web of related musings

Somewhere else i described how i feel as though i'm part of a cosmic and human consciousness. The energy that people pass onto their through contributing half a genetic code children would be shaped, and in so in a way understand, what their parents had learnt. I don't know the exact moment when man stopped being ape. But i can understand that a bit later, at least from the Classical world (Egypt, Greece and Rome), philosophers were starting to truly discuss erxistential and practical ideas (philosophy) and shape their communities and future polcies by these ideas. Social conduct, sexual conduct were can all be traced back to these moments {expand} . What they have learned we are aware of. It all comes back to this quote "living beings are a mechanism for the universe to witness it's own magnificence". We are the universe perceiving itself. And we are learnign. We are evolving

EV. Time is not linear. Time is distance, meaning that is exists on every level of scale ata. Diferent notion of 'time'. ...We as beings are only this, vectors for perspetion', perceiving for the cosmic energy which it lends us. We are momentary, although we can remember things, humans only exist in that moment. {Think schrodingers cat

For instance:

I've been meditating a lot on the idea of balance and harmony. I've realised that all things are in perfect balance in the universe and it is infinitely more complex than we could be able tro translate into our thoughts and language. For instance math is the language of physics, which is the science of understanding the universe- how could we- a mere collection of stardust walking on the smallest corner street of our galaxy, which is just a postage stamp in the universe itself- expect ot be able to make intelligible its complex workings. And why do we feel the need to

I love that in hitchhikers guide they say that Earthy was invented as a computer to find the ultimate question- such a. Nuanced response! We are primal- primal in the sense of animal we seek carnal pleasure, we still have relatively simple abilities and yet AND YET we have this mind that can construct anything "there was no thought of thAT THOUGHT BEFORE YOU HAD IT" how ducking amazing. We can create anything in this brain of ours. Yet this is a curse because we are trapped inn these bodies that have limitations- we are part of the physical world and another- a questioning non-existent world#

I don't even know how the universe mechanism invented thoughts. But, as we see the same repeating patterns all across life and the universefor instance:

-the swirls of soap on the surface of the water in the bathtub are moving in the same way that an entire galaxy is spirling- one is just going faster than the other

That's another thing, TIME DOESN'T EXIST LINEARLY must come back to because that is amazing.

-how do sunflowers have the same geometric spirling of seeds as artichokes, and how is this incredibly mathematical formula which took humans so long to understand understood inn nature

Then by that logic surely there must something else in a larger or smaller scale thinking somewhere else. Must get off train. Will continue thinking shortly!

And now I've returned. I'm waitingoutside Euston to go to Birmingham accept my mother who has the tickets is nowhere to be seen and I can't get through to her phone so ducking excellent Yano...

Anyway thoughts...

The real voyage of discovery consists not in finding new landscapes, but in having new eyes.

Marcel Proust

From <http://doorofperception.com/2014/12/raffaello-ossola-vast-as-the-heavens-deep-as-the-sea/>

Do you ever feel intensely sad and you don't know why? Do you ever feel as though things just aren't going your way? Do you ever feel like you hate most people for their idiocy? Do you ever feel like you just want to go home and bury yourself under a duvet, but you'll be too bored of your empty existence to even enjoy it? Do you ever feel like there's a mountain of work building up and the sheer volume of it makes you feel hopeless that you'll ever be finished? Do you ever feel like you're inside when you're outside? (maybe that one is specific to Londoners) Do you ever feel like nothing is real?

Well today I feel those things. And I know its only today, and I know that I'll be much happier other days, but today... Today just felt like shit.

I've really hated today, and I just can't shake the feelings of the above questions to rise above it.

So my dad who I loved and who was the glue of my family, as you can tell by the use of the past tense, is dead. And I feel like I don't have anyone to talk about it with. I wish the cemetery was open 24 hours...i wish that when I went there I would get the answers to my questions that I desperately crave, or I could feel like he was there. I feel like when people die their presence comes in and out of existing in your life. If you, me and the stars millions of light years away are all mad eup of atoms that have this energy that unites us all, then surely when we die this energy is released into the surrounding environment and sometimes that energy could, in part, linger around you.

Today he was not with me. Today I just feel sad and stupid.

If the landscape of the world and all of the living things within it evolved together then the world is very much a macrocosm of the brain. Then, i wonder, by humans evolving into taking control of their advantage and using it to their survival advantage to the point now where all life on earth is being negatively influenced by humanity- then what part are we in the brain? And is this present in our brains?

I wonder...if 'humans' are present in our brains (just had a thought that Freud would say this is the super ego) then is our planet like one animal or one plant in regards to the universe? And if that is true then is the universe one part of some bigger mechanism?

I wonder how much patterns are repeated in nature? Perfectly and wholly?

If a pattern emerges, for instance the spiral, because that is just how energy flows moving matter within the physics of our universe then surely on an atomic and even subatomic level these same patterns exist?

And it seems to me that if a formation occurs that cannot be explained by our logic of energy distribution/patterns in the universe, then is this evidence for life existing on a different set of principles? A parallel universe?

I find it very interesting that what composes the universe more than 99.9% of it is empty space...

So i'll come back to the above point but to explain what i want to say i need to explain something else first- Kieran says that all atoms in our universe are vibrating (energy) and they are vibrating at the same frequency

...

So therefore could atoms, like ours, be vibrating in a different frequency, in this empty space between particles, and not be detected by us? Is this what dark matter is? Is that concept good enough reason to show that parallel dimensions are occupying the same space we are?

Could the universe be recycling matter from our universe to put in the next one through black holes? This ultimate compression into non-existence in terms of our physics, and then be reconfigured on the other side?

I think this is one of the most ultimate questions i've come across as of yet...

Something in here as well about how this organising is about ultimate large scale and small scale balance, also that people should have gay sex to limit population

What does falling into thee abyss make you understand about the universe

Jack

Going fast feels funny

10.10.14

I just listened to a talk given by a brilliant novelist. Introspective, calculating and smarter than almost anyone I think I have ever met. She was also the great granddaughter of Freud, which she feels not overheated by. She said this thing about loss that resonated with me. That you nuture and make it a part of you and that sometimes you might wonder without this who am I? Obviously I'm phrasing this clunkily unlike her well-tuned words.

When I thanked here for what she said I started shaking and almost crying and I didn't know why. I think it must have been that someone who felt so much loss, and fully disclosed that that loss has become a big part of her was something I had never come across- accept maybe when talking to my father about the loss of his parents, especially that of his father. It's funny how things repeat themselves, well funny is not the right word at all, but uncanny may well be.

I guess that the whole concept of something uncanny, something supernatural as my dictionary defines it, is suggesting that there is a' normal' but I'm not quite sure that there is. Something else she said was that we do not see the world as it is, but as we are. Too astute. When something is that astute I feel sort of numbed or displaced in myself because....

Well I don't know why because. Maybe it's because I spend my life in murkiness and when something is finally figured out its frightening, when you don't fully understand something g it can't attack you. Or rather it can do but indirectly.

Having clarity in the world we live in is frightening, because you realise your own insignificance and at the same time understand the glory and invite beautiful complexity of the world is something you will never fully grasp. It bothers me that I don't spend all of my time revelling in the World's glory. Buddha made the distinction between conventional truths and ultimate truths which I have previously discussed, but it seems that to live in the world we have created (or I should say in the West really) we simply have no choice but to define ourselves by conventional truths. But in light of understanding ultimate truth, we realise the insignificance of define oneself through conventional truths. And then I feel fake, like I don't exist. Maybe that's why I get that numb feeling.

I think I should get back into writing. Whether it's just this little blog thing or elsewhere; I need to remember to articulate my thoughts as a sort of catalogue for the future. As a heavy abuser of cannabis I am more aware than most people that forgetting an idea or explanation that meant so much to you at the time, is a truly great loss. I want to always remember what I have thought and what iw ill continue to think. Again Buddhism supplements this idea by stating that a man is not the sum total of his accomplishment but at every moment is different as he is a sum of thoughts, feelings, experience, external factors, conditioning and so on. We are everything we come across, bundle theory as Chantal might say.

The most amazing incredible unbelievable impossible thing just happened." I was lying in bed researching and watch videos about staying in a monastery and the way a monk answered a westerners question about 'how we are nothing an the universe is an eternal flow of energy that we hjave borrowed from'. They have no sense of self, and without striving for it, achieve nirvana by letting go of the persuit of it. Letting go of attachment to stress, or the temporary suffering that is most of life and instead they embrace love , happiness and an understanding of their impermanance. They understand the natural passing of nature and that bad things are a part of that and we need to accept that, and not just wait for it to be over. They say that without understanding and accepting death than life is very confusing."

See other page for more.

Hmmm..so its the 6th of November 2014...what am I thinking about? Good question me, I'll try my best to answer it. I think that I'm thinking about deep things but truly my mind is empty and somewhat numb; and I couldn't tell you whether this numbness is because of tiredness or weed or depression or duck knows what else. Probably a combination of all of these factors.

Lately I've been thinking about what thoughts are/exist as. And also how there could be/definitely are different types of energy. And also the presence of the dead on earth. And also about sexism/the idea of a rape culture. And also also the what a concept of 'reality' really constitutes. All of these are inextricably linked and these links seem quite clear to me but I wonder whether they would be clear to others. That's something else that's been on my mind: am I intelligent? Does it matter one way or the other? Is intelligence even a provable/relevant concept? Does being defined by external parties damage or aid personal growth? Hmmm....

Thoughts on joint philosophy society:

Separation between Art and art
Intention

Institution
Separation between art as abstract concepts (ideas) and art as physical manifest

Sometimes overlap

Originality
Aesethically pleasing

Striking form
Will art ever be done?

Flo:

Ducking fucking duck fuck duck fuck ducking hell. Life is really shit to the best people. I just wanted to write down the thoughts I'm having at the minute about her death. Oh yes I guess I never explained that she was in the year above me, did drama, I shared Nandos and cigarettes and sceptical views on theatre with her countless times and she was a cool lady. Down to earth, humble, hilarious, delightfully cynical and loved the right sort of films. She did an assembly on Wes Anderson I mean how fuckin great is that?

I guess the shock to me has come because I never thought that she would die. It crossed my mind but I never believed it, she said herself in her blog that the only option for her was to fight through this, be strong and then go on to be the best thing ever. She was going to go to film school and be an interesting person.

Duck.

I think it takes a lifetime for some people to become the sort of person that Flo was:

Humble
Fair

Clever
So easy to talk to
So sure of herself
Aware of the pains of life

Being in a school like St Paul's, she always posed interesting questions about self-enforced competitiveness to lecturers, she ran Spectrum nd was sure that shje was bisexual and stood up for the rights of this group, even though she confided in me that she had never kissed anyone

She was a great role model
She cared deeply about drama and her friends

And it was important for me to have a role model where drama essays were still shifty for4 them, these sorts of things just aren't easy for me and I'm happy that someone else was in that situation

I was so looking forward to seeing how her style would develop, seeing what sort of arts thing she would look into.

I said to Mrs. Watkins, "she was going to be so great" and she smiled and said "she is great, and now she can always be great... People change over time and maybe things would have been different" the world makes people weary, they forget their dreams. Now I guess I have to do my drama degree and make theatre on her behalf, and take eon Wes Anderson's influence.

I have to watch an W. Anderson film in tribute today and I hope that Flo is watching it with me.

2nd session with Marybeth,

I talked about Flo and why it was sad that I lost her and why it was frustrating the way that school was handling it and the parallel between this situation and the loss of my father. I guess the main sad point that cam rout was that I wonder if Flo felt the same fear, that core fear, of dying and being aware that you won't make it.

I decided that if the school were not going to acknowledge things then I would, do something at lunch tomorrow and open up about how I feel and Hoppe that will be. A safe place for others to say how they feel.

I also talked a bit more about the sort of horror for caring for my Dad, his physical decay, and how I coped with that afterwards (by completely separating myself from it and hating my mom)

‘No modern artistic movement gave women such prominence, albeit problematic and ambivalent, or elevated the image of women to as significant in the creative life or the male artists as did Surrealism.’ Analyse the role of women in the Surrealist Movement

To understand why women were so important to Surrealism, 1924-39 and beyond, we must first understand why these artists felt so compelled to create a reification of the mind. “One proposes to express…the actual functioning of thought…in the absence of any control exercised by reason, exempt from any aesthetic or moral concern” Andre Breton wrote this as the keystone justification for the artistic manifest of the surreal in the 1924 Surrealist manifesto. ‘Surreal’ as a word means ‘above reality’, and so therefore we can see the Surrealists main concerns were an outside, one might say objective exploration, of the subjective- “thought”. But not just thought as it is, but its “function”- its mechanism and why it is as it is- so creating a Surrealist piece of art is therefore a form of personal psychoanalysis and therapy. Heavily indoctrinated by the psychoanalytical innovations of Freud (which Surrealists read in 1925 when it was translated into French) the Surrealist artist seeks to discover and then duplicate in art what is supressed in their own minds both the “marvellous” and “uncanny”. This could be seen as: an extension of the DADA idea that spontaneity and free-form was Art : a development of the Futurist imaging of physical movement into that of mental movement/”function” and subverting their view on women: a rejection of the ordering of pictorial space into facets in Cubism : an explanation of why Expressionists felt/created as they did : an embrace of the Fauvist free use of colour for symbolic ends and so on.

Why? Was this an original endeavour? And is this ever genuinely possible?

Surrealist male artists would say that through woman or automata an artist is able to deliberately access the subconscious, and without intention we all do in our dreams. The automatic technique sought to obliterate rational thought, embrace irrationality in whatever form it may take- automatic drawing, random selections, grottage, frottage and so on- so as to access the unconscious’s realms. It seems to me, just as icons represent concepts of divinity to aid worship to that concept but are not divine in themselves (Fra Angelico’s monastic works for instance), that ‘woman’ acts as a way for men to understand/access the concept of the ‘irrational’: the uncultured, pure and primitive, hysterical, utterly devastatingly against all known understanding of concrete definition of things (uncanny), beautiful (marvellous) world that is what is under one’s thoughts- the subconscious. Freud described a split the mind as one of existing in three planes: the ‘superego’, the authoritative rational part of the brain (men and parent), the ‘ego’ (the person you think you are, conscious mind) and the ‘id’- the primitive child part of ourselves that will always do what it wants, that has not yet learned “moral concern” (woman and child) and that is supressed as we age. Surrealists contested this transformation. They believed that man’s existence cannot be justified purely because he has the ability to exercise reason (against Aristotle’s views), but rather reason inhibits irrationality- in all its glorious filth- and that irrationality is what makes us human. The fact that we can supress the ‘rational’ to reach the ‘irrational’ and dance naked in its wonder is ultimate truth; is what liberates one into a higher state of being. Through this thinking it is understandable that Surrealist artists, like so many before them such as Kandinsky and Malevich, believed that their art would act as saviour. And to guide the artists themselves there in the first place, they devote themselves to the strongest incarnations of “functioning of thought”: the image of child and woman in one, femme enfant. ‘Woman’, Baudelair wrote, is “the being who projects the greatest shadow [uncanny] or the greatest light [marvellous] into our dreams”, if dreams are already the free subconscious, then woman’s role is that of a shaman’s- to show you what is the most important in the subconscious so that you can save yourself from it. Without recognition of what is supressed within you, it will influence and ultimately undermine your sensibility and every decision you make. Yet through the exorcising of the suppressed subconscious, you are free to form new thought patterns and make decisions wholly in the conscious mind, the ego.

And then there is Bellmer; if Magritte accessed the “marvellous” in ‘Attempting the Impossible’ then Bellmer disturbingly articulated the “uncanny” in his work. While the rest of the Surrealists were in physical contact in Paris at the time, Bellmer was alone in Germany satiating, as he described it, the need “to construct an artificial girl with anatomical possibilities…capable of recreating the heights of passion and even inventing new desires”. The output of such individual exploration into the subconscious can be seen to be, in many ways, less influenced by others (rational) and more intensely intrinsic to that individual (irrational) and hence is more worthy to be qualified as Surrealist. Bellmer created a series of photos of a mannequin/doll which he spent his life configuring then discombobulating then reconfiguring then contextualising then violating then lovingly embracing. This was all prompted by: him seeing Offenbach’s ‘Tales of Hoffman’ in which the protagonist falls in love with the beautiful automaton Olympia, receiving a box of his childhood toys from his mother and a beautiful teenage cousin of his moving to Berlin. The specific piece I would like to consider comes late in his career, 1949, from The Games of the Doll and it shows the doll sitting on a staircase with head slightly hid behind the banister, breasts replaced with a pelvis, one leg is missing and one leg is tied to the staircase with string and Bellmer hand coloured the work so that the blackness of the floor which the doll is stepping onto is green and the face, bum-breasts and upstairs beyond is blushed with pink. Looking at this work I feel both voyeur and being made the subject of the doll’s voyeurism through the engagement of the doll with the spectator; the doll like a child hides its face in the first interpretation (we are voyeur) and in the second (it is voyeur) it broods, one empty eye ball fixed on you. In the first interpretation you want to free it from its ties to the stair whereas in the other you fear of what will happen if it escapes. Despite its non-naturalism the doll feels very real, Bellmer described it’s birth into semi-real existence as: “when, amid the smell of glue and wet plaster…[the doll took] shape and bec[ame] a real object to be possessed”, but what has all this to do with women? Freud put forward in ‘Childhood and Beating Phantasy’ “one of them can step in place of another; if satisfaction of one is denied in reality, satisfaction of another can offer full recompense”, if the first “one” was his cousin who he could not be sexual with then the doll is definitely his substitute. Therefore we can see that Surrealism provided an outlet for Bellmer’s receiving “denial” from a young girl, but the collection of work is more than that. From his other work, not photos of the doll, such as the ‘Seeing Hands’, Bellmer shows hands with eyes on them and faces without, claiming to have drawn on real examples where women could choose to transfer vision to their hands if something had disturbed them. Bellmer wrote in his small publication: “I do not want to see anything, I do not want to see anymore” and so therefore we can see the role of women to him being something he never fully saw/understood/empathized with, and so he created his own version of woman which he “possessed” with his own vision- in this instance I take vision to mean sexual preference- in this way is ‘woman’ still being used as portal but not real women at all. But in regards to Surrealism is the doll his shaman or his suppressed thing? Considering that he started obsessively making the doll after his cousin came; it seems he has supressed women and made ‘woman’/doll his liberation from that. In this way is Bellmer, in my opinion, the most subversive of all Surrealists because we view his “marvellous” as “uncanny”.

I gave up schmoking but today i smoked...i meditated, eyes closed, to the sound of the rain facing a reflection of myself. It became a very peaceful, and still space. The room i was in has a glass skylight in the shape of a square based pyramid [insert picture here]. It felt very contained, as though i was sat in my mind . A few things occured to me after a little while:

The image of me saying goodbye to whoeveer i went to Thailand with, my only baggage a light backback for up to half a year.

Isolation and Connection
Through Loss of self, finding myself

As always life leads me to opposing forces, contrasts
and oxymorons in expressing them hehe
Even now writing this i feel pralysed for the mundane tasks i need to do (cleaning my room, putting together my conept and ideas for the rest of my play, organising my papers, buying a diary) but the jounrey into my mind and writing these thoughts, and researching about the monestary requirwements and putting together a budget for it and working out a plan for how long it would take me on minimum wage to earn the money/half the money to go there.

Hehe this list is sort of a todo list to myself at the moment.
I had a thought

What does Buddhism say about dreams?

When we dream, we are not awake and we are not unconscious

Lucid dreams are a state of reality, reality is reality
Do not get attached to them or follow their paths, they are not important
Dreams exist in an astral realm, they are a reality, a reality that is perhaps too rampant with freedom
Dreams show what is supressed in the mind, if one practices mindfulness, dreams will slowly calm down
There are 6 external sources for dreams, and these sources get so muddled in the sleeping brain that it is not worth trying to discern what your dreams mean

I am drawn to truth, am I draw to surrealism because of the dreams and their truth? Their truer reality?

Ok so... Today is a day and today is a day after yesterday. Tomorrow will also be a day. Now I have a tattoo that gives me the ability to make today a great day.

Anyways, a lecturer came in to talk about mental health and she made very good and important points, as I remember this is they:

Self compassion
Self esteem not relating to historical events
Vitamins
Sleep
Physical exercise

** The way to feel better when i get sad about the assault of the past:

Release attachment

Focus on the present through mindfulness

Firstly let go of the idea of 'me', this did not happen to me

Every time it comes up in my mind, it is not happening, it is only a thought.
Let go any attachment to it, thoughts come and go, any time they come up repeat the mantra of my feelings to it 'fear fear fear', 'shame shame shame'
It will not go away quickly
Do not identify with my emotions, see them as realities that have arisen. Clinging to them will not bring me happiness

There i nothin can do that will fix it, it is out of my control, it is not stable or lasting

Let go, this happens slowly

Do not reify

The universe is chaotic, to not identify with the chaos personally

IN BUDDHISM all of this is under the term 'right-thinking'

Today

Today is the first day back at school for the winter term. I'm just coming home now @ 6:30 after a lovely and typical chat with Miss Evans. She talked, and was clearly disturbed, about the shooting in France, murder style and point blank by some cartoonists I think. I asked her whether she thought these things happened all the time but they are only getting public attention now, she said its a modern development. She's half-right, these type of political shootings in mass, on innocents seem to be a modern trend. But we are deluded to think that people aren't being shot and killed everyday. Innocent people. We talked about how sickening it is that we can have a nice comfortable day, worrying about little things when other people are deciding to shoot and kill others. I think its important that we are having a quiet day, because somebody needs to be. There needs to be some normality somewhere. Somebody needs to be ok, even if it isn't you.

She asked me how my Christmas break was, I said shit. She asked me what I did and I said stayed away form situations that I knew would make me angry. I showed her my tattoo after she saiod "oh shit what is this". But she thinks its sweet that I've done that, and she thinks it looks nice. She's right, it does.

She said that she's not worried about me for the future, because some people that have really shit times when they're teenagers, grow up in a way that others will not be able to do when the shit hits them later in life. I said I'm looking forward to things. It's important to do things that make you happy, a lot of people don't have the luxury or have died and so will not be able to ever have that luxury. I feel with Flo gone, my father gone,. Howard, papou and my mother sick God knows that there is a lot of unhappiness, and things that were wanted that will never happen.

My father looked at me in the eye and said he would be there for my 18th birthday. He never made it there, but I did. And its my job to live it for the both of us. And flo, who never made it to Christmas 2014. And those people who got shot in France, they will never make it to later today, so on their behalf I keep going.

I've been thinking lately whether life as humans is as individual and important as we think it is. Just as cells in our bodies are all their own entitity but survive off of the same life force, and die and get replaced by the same life force. Just as even though the individuals die, the whole keeps living. I haven't explained that well but I know what I mean. Humans live and die, yet life in generality goes on. We are part of the same life force, the same body, and although individuals come and go- we all function to create the whole. And I really believe that death is a just a label, whereas in fact the process of dying and ceasing to live should just be thought of as a transformation. That collection of electricity remains fixed, but the energy which science does not have a name for, the energy of a soul, the aura, the personality I feel that is released into the ether when one dies. And then that person who is 'dead' is actually alive in everything. It brings me comfort to think that my dad is in every beautiful sunset, he is in every calm air and every smile I have. And so is Flo. And so will I be one day.

I talked to my grandma yesterday when I came back from a play. If I am honest, the reason I take th Ehime to talk to her is because I am aware that I have a finite number of opportunities left to do so. I always talk to her because I know that there is a spark in her that gets fanned into something bigger when I do. She said that "I don't feel old, I don't feel 80. But I feel as if I should feel old" and I know that when people let her be passive, and treat her as old then she falls into that latter category. So I treat her exactly as I treat someone my age- she is my friend. And she asked me what I was doing in my gap year, when I answered I'm going to a monestary and explained the comfort that I receive when I understand death as a vital part of life, and that death of the individual body is a conventional understanding of the event. Because in ultimate truth there is no individual, I am part of this life force, that is manifesting itself all over in different bodies, but is not in itself different/ she shook her head at me and said she was raised differently and had different ideas about death. Everyone is entitled to believe what they want, and in a strange way I think there is no more truth in one thought than another

15.1.15

So what happened to me yesterday? The worst paranoia attack of my life. I smoked in my bathroom and while doing so heard someone go into my sisters room. I froze stiff, and thought I could hear someone sniffing. For the next few hours I heard screaming at me "this is disgusting" "this is unacceptable "get the duck out here you bitch", I heard people pacing and so on. But this was over hours. I was so paranoid that I couldn't move, accept for the copious shaking I was doing. I had never experienced shaking like that before, I was truly trembling. I could taste the vomit in my throat and felt like I was choking on it, I was so nervous that my stomach felt stiff like steel and I was fully paralysed. I ended up putting putting circled around my knees just letting my auditory hallucinations wash over- there was nothing I could do. Now i feel nervous as fuck, to go home in case any of that was real. I don't know what'll be worse- finally having the conversation that I smoke weed with my mother or that she never said anything and I fully was tripping out. I will not be smoking inside again for a while. Even thinking about last night makes me feel as I did then. Ahhh duck, I feel too scared/scarred too work. I just don't want to stop my stream of working and then not get everything done that I need to on the weekend. That's making me feel nervous. Not to mention everyone around me I'm finding irritating . The more I look at them the more isolated I feel.

I just watched probably the most powerful piece of theatre i have ever seen: Lippy at the Young vic

Spectoral figures, disfigured by the ambitguity of their situation, they died with all of the documents of their lives shredded or mush. The endless hatching and rehatching of remembering something half remembered. The memories of preceeding and proceeding events layered and discombobulated over each other. What once starts as clear becomes nothing. The stream of consciousness once so vivid, dulled.

Aren't we all waiting to die? Aren't we all depriving ourselves of the life feeding force we need to remain living.

The things said aren't the things that were communicated, the isolation of communication, of misinformation, of post-event outsider speculation. Echoes and shadows and anonymity. A clear voice rings out to bring you into a story, a voice that never existed, that never could exist. Betty said the final lips speaking lost her, that's the point i said. The narrator is not real. We will all be figures without defining feautures, we will all be forenscic invesitgators into our own life.

Very buddhist a lot of the commentary: the red haired sister feeling so deeply that she had a karmic debt to repay in this life, but it won't end. Did she suggest we should suffer as much as possible in this life to releave the next lfies debt? It wasn't clear, life and deatha dn everything before , in between and afterwards is not clear. That's not the point. The slow decay, "isn't there a more humane way to die? Is there a humane way to die? Are we all killing ourselves? The endless circles of retrospective thought. The thoughts so distant from the physical reality we all agree upon. Supposedly we all agree upon it but its not the case, the interior universe within us all is so separate from what we think we share. We share death. We don't. "it's a transformation, you can watch but you can't participate", so true. But its not, there is no truth in reality only what we label as true to comfort ourselves after the fact. Chalk and outlining, outlines that aren't true but are more true than the natural and photographic reality. Reality how i hate that word.

Thoughts wash over me, they come and go like the people in my life, they didn't even know they were a part of what was real to me. And then they're gone. They will never know. When you look at somethign up close it disfigures, it is grotesque and inhuman. But liek the spectoral beings holding gargage bags, symoblic of garbage, filled with helium so they float. Ultimate subversion, our baggae is what brings us up. Lights and you reach for them "it's liek i'm in heaven", you're not, not yet. There is a higher state and a courser state, we're in the cruel space between. And it all becomes empty space. The space between the words we never said the space between the words we will neevr remember as they were. They weren't. Nothing is said yet everything was yet nobody listened but we all heard. Listening drowned out the hearing until nothing is definite. Why did they choose to die? Is that a choice we all make? Do things live forever ina. Memory? A shadow of them do, a vision of them played over and over, looped and rehatched into mush, into shredded paper. Space once filled is shown to be empty at the end. At the beginning. Circles and circles. Circles within circles. No circle at all. Linear streams is a lie we like the sound of, it gives us solace. Teeth. Conjealed spit telling the story of congealed eyes. The body fragile like paper.

Paper that isn't, it only exists as a flat surface we can project meaning, yet you turn it around and it disappears. It all does. Shredding the trace of you. Circles of reasoning and memory. Circles and lines, they both dissolve in the light, in the darkness. A leaf-blower takes us in directions, that force we cannot see, yet we can. Oxymoron. So is life. We'll never know yet we know it all. Every last shred we forget is eternal and never forgotten. Shredded. Circles. Over. Beginning. And everything in between. Truth, lies, forgery, drama, feigned life and life mroe lived for its falseness. Chalk outlines. Disfigure, we all...all and no-one. Slow movement. Hunched, shoulders, collapse onto a bucket, we need it. We are taken away from it. Empty space then filled with the audience returning to their lives. Returning losing. We laugh and smile each other "that wa spowerful" "i am so hungry" "pizza", we say things to say nothing to fill the void that was so skillfully pointed out to us. A crafted noneity. It will live forever and never again. Below is what i see when i finished writing this. I'll always see it, but never see it as it was, but i never knew what it was in the first place. Circles. Disfigured spectors will lurk, and do lurk everywhere we feel to uncomfortable to talk about. Its over and just beginnning. I was shaking with cold but i felt still, and i felt nothing. I felt everything, and that everything was nothing.

A homeless drunk/junkie was sputtering round soung noithing and everythig noutside earls court, i said to him "sometimes silence says its better". He tried to giove me his keyring asnd his card, all he had was this nothing. I looked at him and said nothing and in saying nothing he thanked me. I think all he wanted was to be looked at. Don't we all? There's too much unintelligible wisdom in the words he and others like him slur. The thoughts i had for what i wanted to write down about th eplay in between the platform and this 328 bus have evapourated: how fitting. I'll always remember and yet have already forgotten tonight. "Art imitates life, but in this case life imitates art?".

"we look into the abyss, and it looks back into us" - Nietsche

In more logical terms what I sent to the girl I sat next to of my understanding of the play in relation to the Buddhism we talked about beforehand.

Francesca Kamil
Hey there :) I realise I was rambling not too clearly today about Buddhism and I thought giving you the definition for Buddhist teachings would be much more clear and might even help interpret the play we saw today: Dhamma — (i) the ultimate meaning is that basis which is behind all phenomena and is thus the truth. It is unchanging and is thus not knowable by that which is impermanent. (ii) in the sense of Buddha Dhamma, meaning those practices and ways of behavior that conforms to Dhamma and lead one towards Dhamma.

12:33in the mornin'
Expand
Show Images
Francesca Kamil
What I took from the play today was that sense of impermanence, they were evicted from their homes, the suffering they inflicted upon themselves was because they expected they could stay somewhere forever and that they could be happy forever.
You said you wanted to cling to something more concrete in religion, but expecting something to last may lead you to similar suffering... whereas expecting happiness and sadness to come and go enables you to see 'truth'

12:44in the mornin'
Expand
Show Images
Francesca Kamil
Another layer of impermanence/lack of accuracy of the memory of them, the hear-say nature of lip reading, and layering sounds and memories, as though someone desperately trying to remember exactly what happened, fusing facts together with speculation. Yet in doing so, the sounds and people became disfigured, symbolically showing the negative effects of clinging to the idea of an event. The ending with a narrative voice that never could have existed is another expression how speculation and expectation bring you further away from truth... going back to the definition of Dhamma "unchanging and is this not knowable by that which is impermanent"; we can not know the truth of the event because we too are impermanent (which was highlighted by them ending with the empty stage)... haha I'll stop rambling at you now, I hope some of that made sense or if you don't agree was at least interesting xx

From <https://www.facebook.com/messages/100003492250611>

***The way that i visualise existence in this universe and beyond is a three dimensional energy web. Instead of certain things existing in certain places, all things that are the same together, and they blossom out of the same fundamental things. When i researching how to draw a mandala, the teacher talked about planting the seed, watering the ground, and different concepts/flows stemming forward from this.

Idea of quantom particles existing in ever space possible until observed.

Idea of the universes'creation simultaneously being its destruction and all of life is part of this weird contiuum [further explanantion needed, talk about accelateration increasing with expansion now as opposed to the logical decreasing from the singularity]

Idea of elastic space-time, morphing and pulling together to create shared experience....[more]

See email about astral projection for the start of my thoughts on this discussion

Watch this video.

Title : How To See Multi-Dimensional Beings/Ghosts With Your Eyes!

Author : Kelli In The Raw

Video url : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V3I2eD0gWc

Shared using FastTube BlackBerry 10 app!

Jesse Bowland comment, I get this strange feeling I've read it before...seems in line with kamma..dreams being in the Astral realm...ask a monk talking about the whims of angels and demons being real but the focus of Buddhism to look and dwell objectively outside of that...a lot of things are making sense to me...I wonder why I'm afraid.. afraid to go insane...or is insanity a human construction ‎to chain people to this channel of existence., keep up buying the goods, tie us to materialism..chemicals in the body must correlate to something..exactly how does this and the images we are made in relate to the Astral world must be part of the understanding of part of ultimate reality 

Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.

The black guy who was talking about his weirdest astral projection experience talked about how when he first separated from his body there was this immense weight on him so he could only walk around by squatting, when he made it to his kitchen he said he used the wall of his pantry to get up. He countered this with "but in the astral realm surely you should just walk through walls", he answered that in the astral realm your intention will arise as reality. In the same way as the video i was watching about how to astral project in less than three minutes said that you can be definite you are using your astral body if you visualise arms and legs, the astral world will create them. The longer video about how to see 'multi-dimensional entities' had a long comment which i want to quote fully..in this she said that imagination is the reality you create..or something to that end. I know this sounds trite, but it is true, just like the eternal water in the bowl dilemma i had with Jack, imagination is not the only reality, but it most certainly is one. In the dr dimensional song i love, the quote says that "you can create and design anything in your mind, you can construct anything..there was no thought of that thought before you designed it. Wrap your fucking head around that", I've misquoted that horribly but its true none-the-less...and i wonder how connected this abstract realm of thought is to the 'astral realm'...although perhaps i am thinking in far too conventional a sense, ask a monk said "reality is reality", there is no separation except for that which we impose/our physical limitations do. Perhaps in the realm of "reality is reality" all energy, all vibrations all forms float around in a big pool.

On another note i was struck deeply when reading from ask a monk's 'practical buddhism' PDF when it was said the life of the Buddha took 4 great eons to cerate. That's 4 from the start to end of the universes... [insert note about reincarnation and how life is cumulative][watch video on hat reincarnates]...'but how can that be?' [post thought: perhaps Buddha ws the combined spirit force of all entities, thats why when he was born flowers sprund up around his feet, he was the energy of all plants and all knowledge, all meditation ever done in the future?...remember thst the energy that creates humans was once plants (analogy of the sea turtle who comes up every hundred years for air and just might happen to come into a yoke is what is it liek to be borna human...it is so rare, our lives defintiely used ot be part of othe rlife-forces) i thought, surely there is only one beginning to end of the universe. Not so, in what iw as reading today on the 'law of dependant origination' it said that everythign is relative to the conditions which precede it, nothing can arise without something before it, therefore (in the mantra the first origination (conditioning) is 'ignorance'...i'm misquaoting this horribly so let me just quote the text for the sake of clarity:
 

"In the Dhamma, we are interested to know how the principle of dependent origination is applied to the problem of suffering and rebirth. The issue is how dependent origination can explain why we are still going round in Samsara, or explain the problem of suffering and how we can be free from suffering. It is not meant to be a description of the origin or evolution of the universe. Therefore, one must not be mistaken into assuming that ignorance, the first factor mentioned in the dependent origination, is the first cause. Since everything arises because of some preceding causes, there can be no first cause. "

there is no first cause, it (all existence) is cyclical. Now look left and see the model of the universe which states that the laws of physics run exactly the same no matter if time (i can't be bothered to fully explain the article just read it and you'll know what i mean by time) is running forwards or backwards. In the backwards model of the universe they started at the most complex...in ultimate reality the two are happening simultaneously...there is no beginning and no end, it is a cycle.

The somewhat insane sounding jesse bowman said that the entities she saw moved through slices of light, other talk about portals,...this is what science calls a wormhole i'm sure...soemthing which allows you to move from one part of the cycle of energy that is the space-time-dual-universe-continum...life is not linear.

Evidence that time on its own does not exist in ultimate reality is that in all astral projections,l where one is in the astral realm, clocks are really fucked, they do not show the time or the image of them is skewed.

I really like the visuals on this in the 'my astral projection accident'- link that video

Buddha talks about how we can liberate ourselves from cyclical existence by realising the ultimate nature of reality and living according to the four noble truths of it...is that how we become angels? How we live fully in the astral realm according to our whims.

I need to talk more about angels and demons (beings)...they influence dreams, waking reality and much more, when we look not just using our three cones of colour, when we use ultraviolet.infrared/gamma/xray vision we can see forms of energy...imagine how beautifuyl the universe is to the praying mantis shrimp!they are there. The woman in the seeing th eentities videos said it brought her comfort when she saw these beings to know that they were always there, she was just only tuning into them. I wonder how relaxing your mind and body fits into all of this...maybe when relaxed our minds start being atune to things other than what we perceiev as to be what the control we have our minds ot make them see is....relaxation as a diferent state of energy flow? Energy vibration? Either way, that levitating monk, all astral projections, all understand of ultimate reality is through being in a meditative state. Even my spontenous orgasm i was fully relaxed, had realised truth, and then pleasure could occur- is that because i was suseptible to a positive energy wavelength. Energy...when with gopal we put our hands over our food and felt the vibrations, it certainly felt different to KFC, i did feel something from the natural forces...gopal asked me if i could see auras, sometimes i definitely can, the entity woman said that befor eyou see the other beings you might see clouds of colours which may be your aura, you have to see through your own aura. We all definitely do give off energy in an aura, i read an FML that said someone tried to kill a spider, thought it was dead and when tryign to scoop it up with a tissue it ran udner the bed. The guy knew the spider was still there from its 'evil aura'..if you did just get almost killed and were injured you certainly would give off a negative energy....all beings give off energy into the hyperspace...the jesse bowman talked about how your aura attracts being that feed on the sort of energy within the aura..if negative your negativity will attract more and more...depression is cyclical, amaxing how everything comes back to a cycle...and why buddhism is so wise is because it encompasses all of this with the law of kamma, you actions, your intentions with them, your aura, will bring about an effect that is linked ( is this also dependant origination?)

It is interesting that in certain states, we are hyper aware of other entities...when i was stoned and paranoid i walked out onto my balcony and heard the deepest resonant voice saying something like "the end is nigh", this was not a noise that came froma. Speaker, it came from the very vibrations of the air itself...i was in a negative headspace and this noise was attracted to me, ti fed on it. Whenever i get stoned alone these days i hear the voices of my mother and sister yelling at me sying horrible thigns about me, or them banging on my door and walls and window, one of the other comments on the entity video talked about how he thought he was a demon because he had a similar experience (minus the dope), the 'demons' embodied his family, and when he asked his family whetehr they had called him the answer was always no- the same for me and my paranoid auditory hallucinations. In the sensory deprivation tank documentary a woman talked about always having peacefull expereices until she head a voice yell "kill it, kill it now"...things to come to you..balance is somethign to do with this also, the jesse character talked about how she thinks demons and angels work in a team, cosmic balance is what allows cycles to occur, the blancing of forced ina. Hurricane oculd be a visualisation of this also.

And just where does LSD and other substances fit into this?...i can only guess...gopal would know more with hsi auyawasca ceremonies...if the brain is a liquid you could say that states of material reality are fluid, are somewhat mingled with astral reality (of course i'm being an idiot saying it like this remember "reality is relaity", but i'm only terming it lie this for the sake of clarity in this instance of explanation) then when you add a chemical, you are inducing what does exist, what can exist [perhaps everything exists? This is a theory of the universe...ted talk ki watched about this begged to differ, don; know quite where i believe yet...]

When i was younger did i levitate down the stairs? Ask a monk talked about children in thailand having similar experiences, i saw that monk levitating...if the monk can levititate, if uri geller can bend spoons by super heating them with energy...are thes epowers from ultimate understanding of utlimate reality, freeing you from the bonds of cyclical material existence?

This discussion is the needed outlet for the stewings of my brain...still needs (but i want to go out for a coffee):

How vitamens, and good health fit into happiness, you positive aura, and attaracting more positivity, kamma
How the guy who assaulted to me was not a devil, but was definitely being heavily influenced by them..how this negative energy just wants to attract more and more, and which is why i will not give him my unhappiness because it is exactly what him and whatever was influencing him wants. Trying to upset the positivity i had that was benefiting the universe...or perhaps it was exactly what i needed to heal? I never really saw it as a good thing but perhaps it was...it was shite for a while but in the long term it did stop me in my unhappy spiral about my fathers death, made me value myself again...only through losing self can we find self- true on many many levels

Refer this to **

Relate all of this to my discussion of how in ultimate reality things that are the same are together and we are only seeing slices of it through our physically limited door of perception ***

In reality, the same reality exists on all scales...our bodies as planets, atoms containing super-clusters of universes, our universe as an atom in a being...perspective and scale

Different types of angels and demons as the many hindu gods/buddhist wrathful and peaceful deities?
I can't remember if i wrote this, so i'll just outline it again: the phrase in hitchhikers guide to the galaxy saying earth a most powerful computer to generate the question? But if we apply Buddhism to this thought, there is no 'the only' anything, we as a planet are generating all of questions about everything. This is possible because we are a mix of the material and the astral...

is all human existence is an evolution of thought or understanding...the first thoughts, the first understanding haver happened, our brains today have thoughts based on the inherited (through DNA) understanding of other humans, to find every more nuanced and articulated questions

We are a devolution/contributed to the evolution of buddha, who stopped asking questions and saw the answer, the ultimate answer, that answers and silences all questions. Peace comes from stopping askign and just realising, understanding, and being.
I never used the word dhamma, to mean ulitmate truth (see definition i have in this page)
The enrich my explanation of childhood experiences talk about how i used to see things in the shadows, moving things, they were big and they looked at me. I knew it.
How if mediation is tuning the brain into different vibrations and why it 'gives people powers' can be evidenced by scientific discover of certain (alpha or beta i can't remember) enriching this trance state.

Music is pleasurable because of vibration, we are all attuned to vibrations :)

Add in the links to all the refercenes i make :)
How the digital world, is light hitting our eyes just like the light that hits our eyes and describes people, or astral beings, and so in that sense is a virtual reality...yet because we can only see it on screens at the moment it is a two dimensional reality

Relate to art discussion.

--just watched the ask a monk on heaven, he talks about reality being beings of the same level of purity congolmerating an existence together...there was much more in the video- re-watch and discuss!

Also heaven as a purer state of being, where it is easier to meditate becaus eyou do not have physical strain (fits in with the angel ideas where they existed without gravity- however one can become complacent in heaven and not persue higher learning and so will fall back down into our realm or lower.

My first day with Jess in Gloucester, 7th April 2015:
well lots of things id like to remember properly, its been a really lovely day.
Jess picked me up from the coach and we smoked one of those casual ciggerettes that you smoke with someone only when you're comfortable enough to make 0 effort at all and still manage to entertain each other and fill the air with laughter. Then we took a drive to Sainsbury's and i loved it, it was one of those massive shops and me and Jess went around the shop getting different items and filling up a massive trolley, something so beautiful about buying lots of food, as you pick it you time travel to the moment you know you'll be happily enjoying it, there's a sensation of contentment- it must come from some sort of hunter-gatherer abundance splendour primordial fantasy fulfillment.

I told jess about Indra's Web of Jewels [insert explanation and visual here] while we were smoking a spliff ontop of some hay bales looking over a beginnnig to bloom orchard, it was significant to me because lately i've been seeing/realising more and more how this sameness and pattersn across all things. *improve grammar of that*.......[daisys wilting to not be seen again after you pick them, just like memories, the moment they are captured they already begin to wilt away from their former glory. Funny as i'm writing this there was a speck pf saliva on my laptop that magnified one of the pixels of my screen, it was flourescnat pink and then i moved my head and i saw all of the pixels
 
Being in nature has been really fulmilling to me, i feel so connected, part of a contium, in a vibration wavelength all strung together with the nature and people and abstract ideas around and inside of me. Everything i see i feel compassion towards its cause, i feel in awe of its beauty and i send intentions of living in harmony with it and everything. The world a lot more beautiful through this tint of glasses.

D h laurence quote on todays artificial humanity

"the dead-alive man has become the enigma of our time, which it never was before. He is gone down the slope of mechanised death depending on artificial stimulations that the city offers until he himself becomes artificial"

And on what art is:

The essential function of art is moral. But a passionate, implicit morality, not didactic. A morality which changes the blood, rather than the mind.

D. H. Lawrence

From <http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/d/d_h_lawrence_4.html>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCkGD76OEwA

18:30 ish, explains string theory, vibrating string inside of quarks, the different qualities of the vibrations is what gives all atomic structures their different principles, everything is the same in the universe, but the vibrations warp the things into having different prinicples.

Different dimensions from scale and perspective, dimensions of relativity....tiny curled up dimensions = string theory. 6 extra dimensions? 27 minutes, models the extra dimensions of perspective.

35 mins degrees of freedom, can only move in the direction of your dimension, but you could move out of these directions into a new dimension.

11th dimension, strings (with enough energy can) widen into membranes that can stretch into the size of universe. 37 mins in describe this. 38 mins = parallel dimensions. Existing int he empty space in atoms, the different viibrations. The bulk.

43 mins in, gravity exists outside our membrane, whereas everything in our universe

45 mins strings tied down to our surface of membrane. Closed loops of string are gravitons, hence why gravity is a diluted force, because it moves between the opther membranes and dimensions.

Parallel universes as impacting our universe, possibly causing the bang in the big bang (branes colliding). However there needs to be a lot of assumptions, they don't understand yet.

Quantum consciousness, the brain is quantum, you can choose your reality, what is consciousness, moments of death where consciousness leaves the body [francesca adds in that consciousness transcends a physical universe] something i already understood also: time does not exist, it is a collection of snapshots of moments which we string together linerally

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is_ZcGXi0RM

What is art to the person who creates it?
Idea of Bellmer as the Total Artist (think Epic Brecht)
What is it to us as the viewer? To what extent does the artist’s intention/personality/sexual perverion matter?
To what extent has Bellmer created work for an audience?
Discussion of the evolution of the Doll idea

Conceptual art: the art as a small part of an overall idea being explored
Why do I care?
I can relate to falling in love with your nightmares
Different planes of reality
Captured so beautiful in his photos of the doll, the photos exist in their own world and the doll lurks there alive

Quest for truth and understanding
Surrealism: Sur-real = above reality
How do we get there?
Accessing the unconscious
Freud would say through sexual desire

Pataphysics
Above metaphysics
Bellmer, through his conceptions of the possible constructions of anatomy, of transference of power and energy in form through angles and pressure points has created a science of the concrete imaginary- pataphysics
“[Alfred Jarry and Nietsche] in effect attempt to dream up a “gay science”, whose joie de vivre thrives [exuberant enjoyment of life] wherever the tyranny of truth has increased our esteem for the lie and wherever the tyranny of reason has increased our esteem for the mad”
The marvellous

The uncanny
How Bellmer’s Doll is both…at least that’s how I see it
Socio-historical context
To what extent is this art in response to:
the Nazi regime

other surrealists
Freud
his own life
the surrealist movement- he didn’t know them in the beginning of his art
contemporary reception of his work

to what extent is his art shunned into unspoken recognition
ubu gallery only open upon request
the sterile way the tate describes his work
miss evans not even touching him at A2
well not at all, Cambridge have the mannequin fetish exhibition

presented B’s work in far too narrow an understanding of it
what other artists are doing similar things (yet dissimilar)
Cindy Sherman
Her black and white photo selection so similar to Pou Pee
That mannequin thing…

Conclude she is trying to grotesque, this was never Bellmer’s intention
Frederic Fontenoy, a true disciple
Butoh
Creator was obessesed with Bellmer
Incorporate ideas of the Bellmer’s conception of the physical unconscious

Let’s start this journey with the art, and see what grows from that shall we? A work that comes late in Hans Bellmer’s career (1949), the eighth from a series of photographs accompanied with poems, as a collection entitled The Games of the Doll.

Looking at the photograph, we see the doll sitting on a staircase with head slightly hid behind the banister, breasts replaced with a pelvis, one leg is missing and one leg is tied to the staircase with coarse string. Bellmer hand coloured the work so that upwards of the chest of the doll the image blushes, and below the blue hue creates a cooling sensation. The doll unites the colours, it balances forces. Looking at this work I feel both voyeur and being made the subject of the doll’s voyeurism. What do I mean by voyeurism here, and why am I applying it twice? Why does the use of this word also pertain to Bellmer?

The term comes from the French meaning “one who looks”. In this instance the verb can be understood as “The practice of spying on people engaged in intimate behaviours…the voyeur does not normally interact directly with the subject of [their] interest…the essence of voyeurism is the observing but may also involve the making of a secret photograph…of the subject during an intimate activity”. This is underpinned by the fact that the subject is “unaware of being observed”. So we are voyeurs because we look at the photo, at the doll, because she is in an intimate situation: someone has tied her there (Bellmer) and it’s their mutual business why. If we think about an artist creating his art as an incredibly personal and subjective activity, intimate between himself and his creation, or even go back to our definition of voyeurism as “the making of a secret photograph”, then it is clear that is what has happened here. A photo has been taken, and her situation can be read as “intimate”. The thing about this photo of the Doll is that she is not “unaware” of being observed, she is fully engaged with you the viewer, returning your gaze, which is why I described her also as voyeur. Voyeurism has sexual connotations, even with this inflection I still feel a voyeur to her, I take pleasure in looking; if only aesthetic, intellectual and through the intrigue she conjures in me: pleasure nonetheless. I have no doubt, by the way she sits back on her haunches, that she takes pleasure in looking at me looking at her. Bellmer often refers to girls and the awareness of their sex in an unnerving sort of way, I guess what stops me labelling him as paedophile and my henceforth my interest ceasing is that he only “looks”, he never acts upon his ideas and desires for pleasure. His wife described as “the most gentle man”, to understand Bellmer you must release the notion of him doing harm, although it may seem that way. Already a very sophisticated duality is being suggested. We look at her alone, in an intimate setting, we take pleasure in this, and she mirrors all of this back to us. Later I discuss the role of women in Surrealism as that of a shaman’s, showing you what lurks in your own mind, the strange thing is that the doll is an exterior shaman, yet also is what lurked in Bellmer’s mind. She is both marvellous and uncanny, I’ll develop this later.

But lets go back to dual realities because I find it fun, the engagement of the doll with the spectator can be read in mirroring ways; if you see the doll as hiding its face behind the bannister slightly, with the vulnerability of a child, we are voyeur. If you see the Doll brooding, perhaps having tied itself up as bait for you to come rescue it, or as bait just so that it is fascinating, just so you want to look at it, just so that you pass into her realm of vision, then in this instance she is the voyeur also. Whichever, one empty eyeball is fixed upon you; unblinkingly, unflinchingly, unrelentingly, unapologetically, impolitely and irrevocably. Once you’ve seen her gaze, I doubt you’ll forget it, I certainly didn’t. I don’t know many pieces of art that I feel stare so directly at and into me. If you think as yourself as voyeur, you want to free it from its ties to the stair whereas as the subject of the dolls voyeurism you fear of what will happen if it escapes. Despite its non-naturalism the doll feels very real due to this ‘eye-contact’/engagement.

Now let’s look at what Bellmer gives you to enrich your reading of the photo, a poem which reads:

“In the house with unjointed timbers and cracks in the roof, on the staircase whose steps are clad in old shoes, she sits sturdy, rough-cut, and opaque. In a word she is alone. Alone in her clammy chambers, alone, without her eyes, implacably alone. It is elsewhere that clean air plummets down on the semblance of a shared life”

Already some things are standing out to me:

‘the house’, it is somewhere specific, it is the only place she can dwell
The personification, referring to ‘her’ and not ‘it’, this work is real and alive to Bellmer, to me also
“old shoes”, could be an older master who dwells in the same place (Bellmer) or the previous life of the environment. Although the use of the word “clad” makes me feel that the shoes are decorative, a façade, as though the doll has put them there in an attempt to surround herself with humanoid features, in an attempt to fill the empty space she lurks in, either way there is the sense of time passed, and shoes as journeying devices, connotations of an exterior.

‘She sits’, she is animated, the tense implies it is an ongoing activity, she sits here forever preserved in this photo
Sensations are conjured, ‘rough-cut’ referring to texture, ‘clammy’ referring to condition. Clammy in specific conjures up ideas of sweat, existence, and activity. Uncomfortable activity. Sexual connotations.
“It is elsewhere that clean air plummets”, clean air meaning freshness, renewal. The doll dwells in a clammy land, she will always be there
“down on the semblance of a shared life”: lets define semblance as ‘the superficial appearance of something’, the world in which you and I dwell, appears to be shared under the same fundamental principles: the same energy within us all. Use of ‘the’ as opposed to ‘a’ semblance creates this idea of a unified superficiality. Yet Bellmer in this poem suggests it is superficial to believe in commonality, or even the idea that we share existence. If you think of each person as their own universe, you might see how he is right, we do not share life, we share environment. The poem with this oxymoron suggests the same duality to reality as the photograph.
In contrast to our ‘shared’ environment, the doll is ‘alone’, because of the poems description of her, because she is positioned in a staircase with no end and a corridor with no beginning we will never access her. She truly is ‘alone’ in a word.

Before I move on, I’d like to read you a quote which Bellmer used later in the book/his manifesto/portfolio ‘The Doll’ *show my book*:

“The effect might not always require a cause”

To me this means that things can exist in their own realms that don’t have a beginning, a reason for being. When something is created, “the effect”, it exists in its own right, it does not require (defined as “need”) something to depend upon to exist. After it exists, it just is. This feeds into the idea of the ‘physical unconscious’, which I’ll delve into later. As a side-note, it may interest you to know that this quote is uttered by none other than the Marquis de Sade, for those of you who luckily don’t know who this is, he is the granddaddy of Sadism, pleasure for its own sake, despite the disgusting and immoral ramifications. He is author of such classics as 120 Days of Sodom and to whom Bellmer was deeply attached and inspired by.

So let’s leave those thoughts where there are for the moment and go on a very ‘beat-around-the-bush’ journey into some concepts that’ve been festering in this cavern I call my mind, it’ll show some quotes that I think pertain to understanding perception, and my own readings of where the knowledge we will attain will take us. Irritating I know, but it’s my presentation so it’s my rules.

William Blake offers us:

“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.”

So if Art is exploring a single concept, you might say it is cleansed of extraneousness, and so through art we see ‘infinity’. Or do we? In this case I would argue yes. Bellmer describes his need:

“to construct an artificial girl with anatomical possibilities…capable of recreating the heights of passion and even inventing new desires”

So through this we realise the Doll to be a pataphysical being (I’ll detail what pataphysics is later, but for now think of it as “the science of imaginary solutions”). At the start of the Doll book, Malcom Green discusses the idea of the doll as an anagram, or a palindrome in some cases. It was a real mannequin, that was could really be discombobulated and reconfigured in seemingly endless combinations. The doll is a quest for infinity in form. And I suppose that answers, the ‘what is it’? Or is one over-arching reading, in truth it exists as many things beyond and within the realm of infinity.

So let’s cleanse our ‘doors of perception’ to understand what else it is. I suggest doing this by liberating your vernacular from literary conditioning. I propose we achieve this enlightened state by throwing around some pretentions words, and seeing what definitions we like stick to them. As we explore them try to see the way they relate to each-other and how they are, in a sense, all exploring the same theme(s). Theme(s) which later I’ll keep arguing is what Bellmer manages to do with the Doll:

Art

I could spend a lifetime trying to define this, but as I’m temporally limited today here’s a quick exploration:

Creation of images
Mimesis, expression, communication (of ideas/concepts and emotions)
Originality, idea of the artist
Something which stirs something in its viewer
A surrealist would say: “only unreason can give us art”

Unconscious

as defined by Sigmund Freud: the mind operating well outside the attention of the conscious mind
the processing of perception without being aware of it
understanding that you feel but may not be able to explain
runs in naked abandon as you dream

Surrealism

Literally means ‘above reality’
Surrealist manifesto 1924 Andre Breton states Surrealisms intentions as “One proposes to express…the actual functioning of thought…in the absence of any control exercised by reason”
Feeds into above idea, this is art that does not conform to reason
objective exploration, of the subjective- “thought”. But not just thought as it is, but its “function”- its mechanism and why it is as it is- so creating a Surrealist piece of art is therefore a form of personal psychoanalysis
Id, ego and super ego
Desire or libido
Repression
Projection
Displacement
Finding truth

Surrealist object

They evoke the unnamable unspoken, forcing the viewer to re-imagine the possible meanings…idea of ‘making strange’/alienation

Your thoughts in response to the work, like inkblot tests, is revealing in you, in your supressed mind

Fetish and the fetish object

Marx and Freud agreed that whether symbolic commodity or sexual substitution, the fetishized object is never itself and is always the “symptom” for something else. That projection of subconscious desire for an absent entity is what characterizes

Reification

In simple terms: to regard an abstraction as it if had a concrete/material existence
In Marxist terms: Reification occurs specifically when human creations are misconceived as "facts of nature, results of cosmic laws, or manifestations of divine will”
…
This implies that objects are transformed into subjects and subjects are turned into objects, with the result that subjects are rendered passive or determined, while objects are rendered as the active, determining factor.

Pygmallionism

The state of being in love with an object of one’s own creation

Freud

"The boy evades his [paedophilic sexual desires] by repressing and remodeling his unconscious phantasy”

Truth + what is real

Defined as “in accordance with fact or reality”, but who defines what is fact? What if thing can exist in multiple plains of reality?
“what is real is not the exterior form but the idea, the essence of things"- Brancusi
Art as exploration of concepts

Dual realities

Defined as: “an environment resulting from the interplay between the real world and the virtual world, as mediated by networks of sensors and actuators”
An actuator is a type of motor that is responsible for moving or controlling a mechanism or system.
Bellmer invents his own system of understanding, although it juxtaposes modern understanding of anatomy, it is also true because it exists in its own world, its own set of physics laws

The physical unconscious

certain objects become commodities because we, the consumer, are willing and able to invest something of emotional selves into the object.

Pataphysics

Over a hundred definitions, here are some of my favourites:
What lies beyond the realm of metaphysics
concept was coined by French writer Alfred Jarry (1873–1907), who defined 'pataphysics as "the science of imaginary solutions, which symbolically attributes the properties of objects, described by their virtuality, to their lineaments"
"'Pataphysics is patient; 'Pataphysics is benign; 'Pataphysics envies nothing, is never distracted, never puffed up, it has neither aspirations nor seeks not its own, it is even-tempered, and thinks not evil; it mocks not iniquity: it is enraptured with scientific truth; it supports everything, believes everything, has faith in everything and upholds everything that is.”
I like the personification of the science, pataphysics is subjective, but enmcompasses every subject possible reasoning, is whollistic
Pataphysics will examine the laws governing exceptions, and will explain the universe supplementary to this one.”
I like this supplementary idea, a supplement to conventional reality
whose joie de vivre thrives wherever the tyranny of truth has increased our esteem for the lie and wherever the tyranny of reason has increased our esteem for the mad.
Subversion

Marvellous and uncanny

Surrealist artist seeks to discover and then duplicate in art what is supressed in their own minds both the “marvellous” and “uncanny”.

Where ‘women’ fit into this

woman’s role is that of a shaman’s- to show you what is the most important in the subconscious so that you can save yourself from it. Without recognition of what is supressed within you, it will influence and ultimately undermine your sensibility and every decision you make. Yet through the exorcising of the suppressed subconscious, you are free to form new thought patterns and make decisions wholly in the conscious mind, the ego.

So for me the connecting themes of these words are:

Construction and possibility
How this may go beyond possibilities of our current reality
There is not one reality, new realities are created when the actuator provides a fundamental set of principles for the Art to dwell in

Creator/actuator, his idea projects existence into his creations
The art we see is a symptom of his disease, it is in itself alive
Subversion
“a process by which the values and principles of a system in place, are contradicted or reversed.”
Definitely if you are perusing ‘unreason’ then subversion is a major theme

Need for shamans as guides, on our quest for truth

“the photographs blended the real and the imaginary, but they had to be provocative to be effective” – Bellmer

We could go into the ‘why and the how’, there are reasons, but let’s let the doll dwell on its own legs, or leg in the case of this specific photo, because ulimtately we can only speculate. Remember de Sade: there doesn’t need to be a cause.

Zoe’s feedback, be clear, too much information use the powerpoint to enable the many topics

Play up the fact she is not a victim, she has power. Emphasize the fact she is loved and tortured.

Daisy's advice on how to edit a poem:

Does every line have intention/purpsoe

Does every word have intention/purpose

If you can cut part of a phrase, think about cutting all of it.

Flow of intnetion, unit objectives vs superobjectives, where is the arc

The speculation related to words

Poem

I shattered his overcoat when I told him what I'd done

A bubble popped in his tear

Nakedly, the words attacked his ears

and mine because saying it to him was the first time I admitted it to yourself.

And isn't that what love is? Pain and…

I hid in the arch of his back

It wilted away like the petals of a plucked flower

Until I was drowning in empty space.

 notes:

Dropping sinflowers

Bubble popped

Instantly knowing it was a mistake when it was said naked

Eyes span themselves down

Paralysed activity, body

Connected to someone so strongly that you feel it and hesr it, and saying it to him was the first time you admitted it to yourself.

Just had a fucking fantastic night, made so because of fun, intense and synchronised connection between two fuck'heads who share an interest in raving and each other :) aww ain

It's cool when you let your eyes unfocus and look at a page of your writing, especially if its yours, suddenly these concrete materials of language dissolve, words blend and pargraphs overlap. Letting youself remain in this state is quite fun really- either happy or sad words will dance and create a 'medly of

Loss is not something that diminishes

Today my mom told me what my father was wearing when he died and because i loved him so much i could really see him in it. He only wanted my mmw

Idea for a play:

Think stanislavski slice of life naturalism/method acting a reality + stylised aesthetic

So ym mom is always cleaning the house. Every time she speaks she says how she's tidying away the house. Each object she tidies, she loses her emotional baggage and becomes new. When the house/set is fully organised then she is free to leave it, and be reborn somewhere else.

The reason that paintings and theatre are the same and why i therefore think that history of art is magically appear important for me as a drama student is:

Paintings don't just ..they are a combination of everything they've come across and when one gets to know art and its artist their Art is a really capturing a moment of their story. Anyways i'm not making sense...theatre tells stories

EV abstract, delineated, infographical pieces are't stories.

EVEV. But as an audience member wathed the piece they experie ce it alongside (discussion of

Easy rider as a film following blonde guy, the film is through his experience of the world

The opening shots linger on his face
He is shown more
He is in front of the other guy always.
The first words they share with each other and us are by the other guy, the camera lingers on his face and smoking a joint he is clearly contemplative.

Perhaps this is a personal connection but the pauses he takes and his eye glare {re-watch that scene and add detail tot his description} make me feel as though he is linking about life. We have just seen him throw away his watch, he like at it first on his wrist and then took it off, squinting dispassionately at it

At around 17 minutes in the song played "Where you lead I will follow"
The transitions between each scene are sharp cuts strobing between the current shot and the shot to come

This makes me feel as though reality is blurring
Although the many interspersed driving bike shots do create a sense of continuity- the overall feeling is that specific moments are being remembered in great detail but are really just snapshots of all events. They are moving through time quickly, and that makes me think:

We are seeing the world through the eyes of the protagonist....when he dies at the end he dies o

Forced to linger in a world of mirrors

Stealing glances of myself, through chinks in its

Polished illusion

Preened disillusion.

They steal my face.

My features dissolve.

Lingering mirroring mocks the lace

Which once adorned my now weather-worn face.

Ethereal cerebral pulse

In finding self, lose self.

Inherited permeability stoppered.

Sealed.

My assembly:

This could be partly attributed to the thanks I want to give to this place, St Paul's and the wonderful people here who introduced me to ideas and ways of thinking, some of which I absorbed into myself and some I sought to avoid in myself
I think to become who I am I really had to go to rock bottom, after my father died I did not know how to process my feelings and sought comfort in other people. But most 15 years olds don't understand the sort of things I was grappling with, and so they couldn't help me and so I pushed them away.

I think it took pushing away all of my friends, that I gave myself time to find out who I was, not just who I was relative to who other people were if that makes sense.

I feel as though I am 100 different people: when talking to different people you act differently and this concept of self is something I grappled with in my head a bit too much. So when I didn't have anyone around me to subconsciously mould who I was, I stopped thinking about it and just was and now I am very happy in myself- on my better days.

So thius assembly i couldn't resist doing because i've been shaped by this place and i feel the need to share some thoughts. Miss Foley always taught me to have an intention. She always cocked an eyebrow and in an unimpressed tone said 'whya re you doing that', and whern i couldn't answer her i knew it was wrong to do things without intention. Following on, my intention for this assembly is to get people talking. {stanislavski spoke about filling out a character with your own memories and experiences. In that way the character is a discombobulated version of yourself, and the reason for doing this was so that your character was 'real' and your audience believed you.} I want you guys to believe me so i'm starting off our dialogue with my personal views. After my gap yah i'm going to publish a sort of game. {explain game manifesto online account idea}

Maybe this is a secretly feminist aim as I don't want people to be docile. From my experience when i talk to people in this community they seem a little lightened or interested and engaged when we talked about some of the things i'm discussing today wiotgh yoyu now . So i hope that you remain thinking, not following a group mentality but deciding on things of your own. Being individual young ladies.

I loved being called as a group 'young ladies' when i came here instead of 'girls' as we were in my primary school. It made me feel as though i was a matuyre person and i could take on the tasks appointed to me we. This highlighted the fact that terms we call people and that we use generally to describe things and shape our view of it. {discussion of Magritte's this is not a pipe}

But Mr Ellams taught me to always evaluate, and the evaluation for my connmecting x to the pipe is that....

Today I'm talking about me, who i was, who i am now, and who i'm going to be. Having been at st pauls for 7 years now, it's safe to say that these hallowed halls have had a big impact on crafting me into the refined young lady i am today, and so i'll be going through how lessons i learned here which i'm sure all of you are learning now, made me this person. And how i'm applying these lessons to my continuation on from here.

MIV

UIV

VII

VIII

Personality:

Headstrong, loud, loved having fun with fashion, excited to take on the challenge of St Pauls

Music taste:

My Chemical Romance, FloRida, REM

# of Piercings

Likes/Hobbies:

London Youth Circus Flying Trapeze, competitive chess player across the nation

Attitude:

know-it-all

Better then everyone else/afraid everyone else is better or has it worse than me

Hair colour/cut:

The day before the MIV started I cut off my hair that scraped my knees (i donated it to locks for love, its a great charity and i'll put the info for it on the portal) and opted for 'That Vidal-Sassoon cut' that would've looked good if I weren't 11 years old and didn't have constantly greasy hair.

Ideas to cover:

Everyone feels insecure, a little bit is good as it makes you more aware of your behaviour and how you can improve on this in order to become the person you want to be. Too much is paralysing, isolating and depreciating of the person that you are.
Some people that don't like me and probably don't want me speaking today might say "who is she to tell us how things are?" "it's so self-centered to talk only about yourself"; fear not i have posed the same questions to myself and agree. The reason i'm doing this assembly is because as i'm leaving the school this year i wanted to mark what it has been to me publically, and if any of you saw my A2 performance, you'd know that i think talking about yourself and things you;ve been through matters.

If you don't agree with anything i say today, don't worry about it, nothing i'm saying is dogma

The things that haven't changed over the years:

Love of clothes
Loyality to my true friends
Speaking my mind and always doing it when i felt i needed to

Looking in the mirror and not recognising myself, hearing myself on recording and not identifying with the sounds.
Individual
Who i am around school vs. Who i am as a friend

Habits become character

Loyalty

Family

She gave me a couple of solar panels, and i gave her a cat flap.

Quite strange but i shall write this blog post from my school library

Was just reading about Golems, not the Lord of the Rings ones, but the archetype in Jewish faith one.

I want to do a proper article about this stuff, but they differentiate Golems from humans because they are animated earth and we aren't. I beg to fuckin differ, what are we but animated earth? The problem with humanity today is the containerisation, sealed off, elitest, 'highly evolved', view we have of ourselves that is stored on a red velvet cushion on the thrown of unreason. Adam was the worlds first Golem in the Torah...pretty sure that the jews are agreeing with me now!

You create a golem by the ritualistic shuffling around of Hebrew letters to create one of the names of God, then mould a shape and put the name of God in the shapes mouth and that animates it.

But lets unpick this a bit, eahc hebrew letter is a meaning within itself, and that meaning comes from its vibraion.

Lets go to hinduaism and see that "the universe is sound", it is vibration, when you put the right kind of vibration into something it becomes animated. So really this golem thing isn;t so far-fetched because aren;t we all being animated by one of the many names of Gods that on a simple level can be understood as vibration?

Read more, write more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golem

Show me talking about the idea of performance poetry for instance, use live feed, to record the motions of my hands when i talk. Then use software to create a 3d visualisation of an elastic relatively intense membrane to be between my hands.

Then put the membrane on its own

Live translate it using my voice looping instead of my speaking before?

Slow time down in the effect, add in deep, slow breathing noises

Change the nature of time, for a meditative/trance inducing effect

Ask them to fully witness the same and pattern of the movement, and in their trance feel their body's move as the membrane?

Then interpret into physical theatre, create the space between words [ref Lippy piece]

Looking for the reflection of myself

On the surface-less surface of the abyss

Looking for it's reflection on my absence of self

Listening to the empty vacuum

Listening to the emptiness of my ear canal

Reverberating silence.

Idea for this is how do two Nietschian abyss's look back into the abyss that is within abyss

Then put the membrane on its own

Live translate it using my voice looping instead of my speaking before?

Slow time down in the effect, add in deep, slow breathing noises

Change the nature of time, for a meditative/trance inducing effect

Ask them to fully witness the same and pattern of the movement, and in their trance feel their body's move as the membrane?

Then interpret into physical theatre, create the space between words [ref Lippy piece]

David Lynch's hands:

Oh my fucking god they are the sexiest hands ever ever EVER

I talked to Jess about what his hands mean to mean (the shape of thoughts), because for instance as someone is talking about their subconscious thoughts/dreams, the speech is actually a conscious construction. But when you look at their hands, they are not consciously controlling thekm, the hands are descirbing the subconscious opinion o fhte conscious interpretation of the subconscious. The shape and movement of the hands is the shape and developement and progression of the thought.

His twinkling hands

Gaspar noe's favourite song if my favourite

WAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

The film's soundtrack is terrific—this retro grab-bag of Bach, Erik Satie, Goblin, even John Carpenter. Was the connection just music you loved?

One of my favorite pieces, "Maggot Brain" by Funkadelic...

From <http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/talking-with-notorious-auteur-gaspar-no-on-his-sexy-new-love-757>

So i broke up with Jack and forced myself to read some of my fathers writing, i don't know why this is but whenever i feel sad, like a wound is already open to the elements, i press and hold salt into it.

There were only 3 pages from this one notebook and one of them was dedicated to me and i feel very...i don' know there aren't words...the first line was "I'm impressed by my daughter, she's an acomplished chess player.."it goes on and he describes one of my games where everyone else ont he team lost and came round o watch me and he describes it was such objective tenderness, i don't know there aren't words for it.

There's also a letter to himself aged 13 that is full of such wisdom, i'd like to frame it all, the only problem si that his handswriting is so bad i miss every other word! I could ask mom to translate.

It's nice to know he thought about me and was proud of me, i'm proud of you dad and i'm going to do so much to make you and myself proud, just you wait!

Before i read some of his writing i opened a card from Miss Evans that wa sjust lovely, it's of a small section in Bosch and she said (amoung other things) "i expect to read about you in the Review sections of my newspaper. Don't let me down on that!"

I won't miss Evans!. I'll make you, my parents, my other surrogate parents and everyone who has taught me something either through positive or negative experience proud of me and what i can do. Because i will do everything that i want to, because it's not so hard.

Just had a long talk with yiayia, when you get her more comfortable and just chatting and when you ask the right questions, there's a very perceptive person in there. I greatly respect and have esteem for her. People dehumanise their family, what they forgive of a friend is sacrilidge in the family.

But it's all arising and ceasing, no point clinging to any attachment to judging the situations.

https://youtu.be/JTvcpdfGUtQ good vid

Too bad so much time has been wasted on scien

In answer to you chaplain of sps

We are nothing, brahma opens his eyes and the mega-universe/loaf comes into being, when he closes them everything is exitinguished

Reality is a delsuion, in respects to the universe we are nothing on our own, like the moon we shine without our own light. Or maybe more like chiffon the vibrations in their different manifest configurations (reality of the physical universe) through us, yet we are hewn from the same stuff.

Everything is a different configuration of the four elements; fire, earth, air and water.

When we close our eyes it is plain to see that the 'i' that is within this meat computer is nothing in itself, "a whole cannot be partial"-Yuttadhammo: we are all everything, and that everything is nothing when under no delusions.

[link black mirror white christmas]

Need to expand this with the effects of time [link phD ting], density of experience, and the particular conditions that have arisen in order to create the situation you are even having these thoughts and not in a non-deluded way (past karma

"There is no traditional family. In his book Sex at Dawn, author Christopher Ryan argues that human monogamy only dates back as far as the agricultural revolution. Prior to this, we lived in small foraging communities and shared our property (food, shelter, wooden clubs, saber-tooth loincloths, etc). Then, post-agriculture, monogamy developed, out of concerns regarding paternity, and the inheritance of material goods. Ryan argues that our modern romantic attitudes are needlessly puritanical, "an outdated Victorian sense of human sexuality that conflates desire with property rights."

Life is mostly pain and struggle; the rest is love and deep dish pizza. For the cosmic blink of a moment we spend on this tiny dust speck of a planet, can we simply accept that love is love, including love that happens to be interracial, same-sex, or poly? Discrimination against love is a disease of the heart—and we get enough of that from the pizza. "

From <http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/i-grew-up-in-a-polyamorous-household-528?utm_source=vicefbuk>

I just had a long chat with Mikaela that started with encouraging words about life and soon i said about how jack abused me last night and then i told her i was assaulted, she told me that she too was assaulted as a child.

We talked about a lot of things and i need to go down for dinner so i can't list them all now, but i felt that we covered so much that i want to remember that i needd to write some of it down now:

You want that person to die but you don't

You're a better person than them so in your mind you would never wish that on anyone
But at the same time you think how is it justified that they live their life like nothing happened and you are left with this mark on you, and it is a mark

You rarely address these things in your day to day life in full because its too painfula nd youw ant to live positively

Yet subconsciosly they are constantly controlling you

I told her that a big reason i'm goign to the monastery is to fully address this and let it go
What is justice? I probably don't have enough evidence to get him to even go to jail, the law seems to take the side of the criminal
How we can be alright with it most of the time and then sometimes its horrible and we're not ok

20.5.15

I'm starting to realise a profound interconnectedness of all actions and situations. I have the flu now so was blowing my nose off the side of my bed, my nose ring fell out in between some cereal boxes and found my old ipod which jack depserately wanted to borrow for his journey. If i hadn't been sick i would've come into school today and wouldn't have discovered everything i have about david lynch (below) and now a conciousness based education system where i can design my own course https://www.mum.edu/academic-departments/individualized-studies/ ...must do more research on it. ---------------------------------------------------------------->>>>>>

I do not want to dwell or let this causal chain fester in my mind because it is pointless, everything is connected in such an infintely vast chain that there is no benefit to marvel at a few links which i'm most likely miscompredending because i'm not seeing the full dynamic chain [think fractals], the point is to realise its precense and feel bliss :) and i do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2UHLMVr4vg

So i just discovered David Lynch is a meditator of transcendental mediation yogi practice, fuck yes. I had no idea but now much makes sense in his films, and the fucking spectacular way he moves his hands are now clearly linked to the experience the sensation of ideas as movement and as waves.

I also disovered he makes crazy awesome music thats all surreal,

Oh and he hosts benefit concerts with profits donated to get kids meditating and developing meditation programs for schools.

So basically i'm fucking in love, maybe more so than even with Mr Kubrick...hmmm i shouldn't compare loves all bliss and human interelationship is unbounding and so i can love both without comparison

Need to do a piece about his hands...those fucking gorgous hands

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGLLDEYFAzs

I wonder whether Freud's concpetion of the subconscious is this origin of thought, oh wait he just said that in the video-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKyQxI1Q3UU

Ok so now i'm watching a vedic tour of the universe, i'm very struck by it but i don't want to articulate my thoughts just yet because...well just because they're not stewed enough. But one thing i want to say is that from the Buddhist understanding i've learned there are many gods and many devils, in christianity i think it was it was said that humans were made in gods image, but whata bout all other animals and plants? The vedic tour is talking about elephants of immesurable size that balance the earth disc things, and all of that resting on the back of a celestial turtle. It seems silly at first to western ears but when considering the fact that life on earth may be hewn in the image of gods, it follows that our animals are reflections of transedental gods.

I also really like the thought that the vedic tour is describing a system that is not quite comparable/alike to our physical reality...a lot more to say on this but it seems like a quantum reality or a energy field reality, even the string theory 'loaf' idea was expressed form the outset. This needs a life time of unpicking, but i feel conflicted between this knowledge and my Buddhist practice. But then again i remember that the Buddha was born into a world of this knowledge and i think simplified it to every day experience and practice, i feel Buddhism must be a sect of Vedic religion, which is far older.....

Compression of time, expansion of space

Now i'm watching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xK0ESGQ9TxY and something struck me at just before 3 mins, with every exhalation of xx millions of universes are created, and with every inhilation they are absorbed, but above the compression oftime this makes sense with the cyclical universe theory i have (the beginning being simultanously the end, their interconnectedness) as well as with the relativity theory that compression/expansion of time comes with scale, i believe in a god that is so vast and loong livining that one breath would equal these things. Fractals a breaths.

He ended the video (part 2) with saying we should just surrender to krishna and live a life o fdevotion to him, suddenly i felt a bit jarred and thought that does not seem right, to devote oneself to something higher and then seemingly negating ones own thoughts...then i thought that if we understand Krishna as the personality of god, and that personality is loving kindness then really devoting oneself to Krishna seems to really mean devoting oneself to loving kindness using an object to your meditation....need to research more.

Now this http://www.amazon.co.uk/Arctic-Vedas-Being-Interpretation-Legends/dp/1151098914/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1432115249&sr=8-1&keywords=vedic+text%5D seems to interpret the texts and legends which seem so spectacular and almost unreal, oceans of milk and so on....on the vedic tour of the universe there was mention that words can describes many objects or many words can describe one object, i think some is lost in translation from the vedic texts this duplicity andn non-compartmentalisaing nature the language is being used.

Density. The gods are more dense, they and their realms exist within the space between our atoms. The 12 planetary systems are all in the space of ours. I like the energy chandeleir, profofound inner connectedness. Think rainbow body sheinking and full adoption of the rainbow body as the shrinking imto a singularity

I wonder what the big bang or black holes in the sense of a dense somgularity has to do with it

Alsothat the hell like cities in the tunnels are glorious but are based on materialism

Another copy from the same series has this description, somethign i want to pose to Jack:

The idea of a lost ancient civilization located at the North Pole at a time when its climate was friendlier to human habitation is suggested in many of the world's oldest myths and sacred scriptures. Drawing upon his vast knowledge of the Hindu Vedas and the Zoroastrian Avesta, Tilak makes a painstakingly detailed analysis of the texts and compares them with the geological, astronomical and archaeological evidence to show the plausibility of the Arctic having been the primordial cradle of the Aryan race before changing conditions forced the Aryans southward into present-day Europe, Iran and India. Although this theory has never gained widespread acceptance among mainstream scholars since it was first published in 1903, Tilak has made a compelling case which is not easily refuted. Bal Gangadhar Tilak (1856-1920), who was given the honorary title Lokmanya ("chosen leader of the people"), was one of the fathers of India's independence movement in opposition to British colonial rule. He was imprisoned several times for his vocal advocacy of violent revolt against the colonial authorities on the basis of Vedic scripture. His time in prison gave him time to work on his more scholarly projects, such as the present book. Although he did not live to see the ultimate victory of the movement he had helped to establish, he is widely acknowledged as having been one of the main driving forces behind it due to his influence on Gandhi and the other leaders who saw his mission through to its end in 1947.

From <http://www.amazon.co.uk/Arctic-Home-Vedas-Gangadhar-Tilak/dp/1907166343/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=0XS63P266CX5BJ1BETK3>

So we were crafted to help demigods mine for gold to stablise their atmosphere? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ENJLdiDvJY&feature=player_detailpage

 MUM research:

https://youtu.be/3yxV6ZGqUfc

Valedictorian speech which was really lovely, i'm starting ot really like the idea of an education ssytem based on consciousness and where everybody shares the same practice and love of spirituality....

I feel conflicted between vedic practice and buddhism now....maybe i can ask MUM a question or Yuttadhammo...hmmmmmmmmmmm

Town of fairfield... https://youtu.be/GJNAmw3LCSk.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairfield,_Iowa#Arts_and_culture

This https://youtu.be/CfCmCEyrOHE film student testimony...creating an idividual brand of film, i like dthe way he talked and of course the bob dylan hermonica

The film on this page http://filmschool.mum.edu/the-plan/

Vedic science has respect for other religions https://youtu.be/JOOwzE2TIKY so maybe my being buddhist wouldn't be a problem...

Ok questions to ask them via their website:

I practice vipassana, will spend 6 months at Buddhist forest monastery,

How well is other forms of meditation accpeted
Can i practice bothj
Relationship between buddhism and vedism?

"A yogi is one who has entered into the dharma"

So many things i wish to remember from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFSjxc2Vg14

At the end one tibetan yogi said he was at a very sacred meditation cave and asked for a sign that this was how he should practice more deeply and in the mouth of the cave the guru who's original cave it was appeared to him in a rainbow and the mouth of the cave and the guru became a focus for his meditation. One of the nuns with him said look your foot is sinking into the solid rock, the mark remains today.

I wonder whether this was the density of his experience, so full that it surpassed the density of rock, so like as if he was a rock thrown onto custard, the custard (mountain) slowly gave way to him.

This also happened to (as i'm suire I'm falsely remembering) to the original yogi who went up there and people were prostrating to his sunken footsteps

Postures of meditation to evoke the different elements

"vedic physics states that time is a subtle energy fo force which is manifested before the cosmic manifestation. Time mvoes the unmanifest material energy and controls the movements int he universe. Without the manifestation of time, the unmanifest material energy cannot become active and take form. Only after the time fluctuations agitate the unmanifested material energy does the cosmic manifestation begin" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAcqv5L8fDs

Very interesting, i always felt timespace were inherrantly linekd and interdependant, although i did think that energy/energy potential must have existed before time/space/a universe

HAVE TO STUDY VEDIC SCRIPTURE, v important.

Time is being. It's a progression, and implication that there is a start and one is part of a prgression. It's thought. You have to have a thought into space it takes time to think of it to think it. To think something is to move is time. Thought and consciousness are obviously eqautable to the same thing

However being eternal is more space. It is, when it in put in context or with time then it too becames manifest.

Thought is the time, the unmanist energy that becomes manifest is the physical construction of time.

DENSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AT 12:40 INTOT HE VEDIC COSMOLOGY THEY SAID THE PLANTEARY DISCS SYSTEM THING SURROUNDING EARTH WERE MILK, WATER, LIQUOR, EMULICIFED YOGHURT AND SWEET DRINKIGN WATER.

Not literally, it is referring to the density of their systems.

Density is scale, scale determines time, space and power

Due to the ephemeral nature of human memory, a life is always to some extent imagined p18 uncommon wisdom

I hide a chink

in a place you'dn't think

I steady the implosion

that happens

every time some ape

jokes about

Which happens.

Day stay

day.

You spit on me

and I see it reflected in the gold sticker on the snapback squeezed on your fat sweaty head

That spit festers and bubbles and erodes,

Into the chink i still nurse today.

I see you spit on that chink every day and

smear your seamen into the oozing wound

prodding and probing and pressing

on the swollen and

Raw flesh

with your sausage fingers as you

Coldly

Gage to gauge

me more.

and more and more until i'm whittled into nothing but a meat

Toothpick

Used for a purpose then pushed out of a non-descript london grimey house

And as you push me out

My feet not feeling the ground

My person snapped on the ashy pavement

Disregarded

Where the next storm merges

This festering mess with a dirty puddle

And it all becomes black water

Thick as treacle

Washing drip by digusting drip

into the sewers

Where even the rats

Reject it me

I'm dumbfounded at what you thought i would think when you added me on Facebook afterwards.

But it would make sense if you didn't consider your behaviour as a problem because you made sure to tell me over and over that you deserved it.

Gritted teeth

Tense toes

Flared nose

BOOM.

Steady girl

Why capitilism works:

Demand and supply

If you increase demand more of your product will be boyught .

Even more demand makes it price inelastic

So you can charge higher and higher prices for your good

Create subdivisions in the market for 'premium services' and it will all be consumed

But the trick is, is that there isn't an innate demand within humans for these goods and services.

Do monkey's demand gold and diamonds?

It's all a product to get you to live off of society and stay within in it so you can makes the people controlling firms more rich. And i'm not talking about household firms it's the large corporatrions ownded by the 0.001%.

So creating demand for something, showing people that they lack it. Persuading them to need it, thje indulgence in that apple from the snake in some garden- it's what they're doing. They're makign us feel incomplete so we buy their goods. But we are so rich in nature an in mind that it really is superfluous and in fact detrimental from ones happy simple state to consume these products.

By creating a need, a neccessity engrained in the subconscious, theyw ill always be fine. That's why

The real problem to today is not material, it is a crisis of consciousness.   

Practicing Frank

Writing

Musings at 16